


play me a song

by mytsukkishine



Series: kakairu for the soul [23]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Moving On, Not Beta Read, Singer Hatake Kakashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:09:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29758743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mytsukkishine/pseuds/mytsukkishine
Summary: Iruka chuckled and brought his hand out. Kakashi looked down with a small frown before taking his hand.“Your name?”“Kakashi-”Just then, the bell rang and the two boys still hadn’t let go of each other’s hand. Iruka laughed again, shaking Kakashi’s hand.“Our timing sucks, but hey! See you around, Kakashi-san?”Kakashi nodded, already missing the brunet’s warmth.“Yeah, see you.”Or where, Kakashi sings a song he made specifically for his first love.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Series: kakairu for the soul [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1629499
Comments: 25
Kudos: 51





	play me a song

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to my friends who supported me in writing this :D  
> Sorry for the angst in advance ehe <3
> 
> please excuse wrong grammar and such !
> 
> the song I used is ['Sa'yo by Munimuni'!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7A8o03HwcQ&ab_channel=firipinsyntax) Listen to it, it's a very nice song ^^

Looking at the mirror in front of him, Kakashi briefly wonders if he can do this- stand in front of thousands of people, cheering and waving for him. 

He sighs as his eyes rake over his make-up covered face. His deep bags were covered, along with every blemish and stress line he has accumulated over the past few months. Is this even him? Kakashi frequently asked that himself. His gaze then lands on the guitar sitting on the couch behind him. 

It’s old, a little rough around the edges but she’s still a beauty. Still the same even after years of beautiful tunes and hardships. 

The guitar’s body is a mix of orange, yellow, and red with its edges traced in black. The strings are made out of metal and have been replaced numerous times. That guitar has been through a lot, and Kakashi - even though he’s the number one solo artist in Japan right now- won’t ever trade that guitar for anything. 

It is from him after all. 

_  
  
_

_“Here…” Kakashi blinked dumbly as he eyed the big guitar case being handed to him by his friend._

_“What?” Kakashi finally managed to utter after a second of silence. His eyes were wide and mouth agape, and his friend only chuckled as he pushed the said item closer to Kakashi._

_“Take it. It’s my gift for you,”_

_“Iruka…”_

_“Come on, take it,” Kakashi grabbed the guitar case with such gentleness, still not believing that his friend bought him a guitar._

_“It’s so you don’t have to rent those ugly old ones.” Iruka beamed, tapping the case lightly before stepping back. Kakashi tried to give it back, tried to reason out that he didn’t have to, but of course, Iruka was as persistent as ever._

_“How about once you’re famous, you can pay me back for that guitar.”_

_Kakashi stared at Iruka’s smiling face- so beautiful and kind. Kakashi wondered how he got to have such a thoughtful and wonderful friend._

_So he nodded. Determined and inspired as Iruka urged him to sit on the sidewalk so they could take a better look at the guitar, even asked Kakashi to play him a small nice song._

“Kakashi…” A voice snaps Kakashi out of his daze. He glances to his left and sees his manager, Asuma, standing by the doorway. 

Asuma gives Kakashi a light nod, “We’re about to start in fifteen minutes. Do you want anyone to carry your guitar or…?”

“I’m fine, I can do it myself.” 

“Okay,” Asuma observes him for a while, and Kakashi avoids his questioning eyes by keeping himself busy with his hair. The silver-haired singer knows he’s not at his best right now considering what happened last month, but Kakashi needs to do this. It’s for himself, and for… 

“Kakashi,” Asuma calls out again, “Are you sure you can?” 

Kakashi is well aware that the question wasn’t about the guitar anymore. 

“I’m fine. Thank you, Asuma. I’ll be there in three minutes.”

And as Asuma closes the door behind him gently, Kakashi ponders if he can really do this because just by looking at his guitar and thinking of the lyrics floating in his head- he wants to cry. 

_To mourn._

He misses him a lot. 

~~*~~  
  


Kakashi loves writing songs. 

It started when he was in high school. As he read his book alone, he had his pen and notebook in hand, writing along any lines that his head would come up with, compile them in one page until they’re all ready to be assembled into one masterpiece. Kakashi kept the lyrics all to himself until one snooping brunet opened his notebook.

Kakashi was mad, but then Iruka smiled at him. 

Since then, Iruka always asked him how his writing was, or if he made another good song. He even tried to pry Kakashi to sing one for him. The silver-haired teen was annoyed at first, but then as time passed by, Kakashi awaited every question from the brunet. 

Iruka made his day every day until they graduated high school. He was there for Kakashi. Even during college, Iruka was there to smile at him and ask him about his writings. Even when Kakashi first had his gig in a small restaurant, Iruka was there among the crowd, smiling at him. 

Iruka was always there. 

And Kakashi hated himself how he hadn’t been there for Iruka.

“Sixty seconds,” The stage manager announces, ordering the people around to clean up and get ready. 

Kakashi inhales, ignoring the people around him as he composes himself. This will be his first debut on a big stage. He’s nervous, yes, but at the same time, he’s excited. Kakashi had performed in a lot of shows before, but this will be his first solo concert in a big stadium- all sold out just a day after the release of his tickets. 

The stage manager starts to count down to ten, and Kakashi positions his guitar comfortably against his body as the spot he’s standing on starts to move. The cheering of the audience got louder and louder- it’s deafening but exciting.

Kakashi clears his throat as he adjusts his vision against the bright spotlight on him. He then waves, a small smile etched on his lips as he walks forward while saying his usual greeting.  
  


_“You’ll do great.”_

_“Iruka…”_

_“I’ll be watching you, don’t worry.” Iruka walked up at him, and right there and then, Kakashi wanted to pull him into a hug, but the brunet gently laid his hand over Kakashi’s guitar._

_“Play us a nice song, Kakashi…  
  
_

The time spent on the stage was tiring but fun. Kakashi was all smiles as he connected with his fans. His heart full at how they responded to him, how they sang along with their green lightsticks moving in sync with every beat. It was phenomenal and breathtaking - an experience Kakashi would surely remember forever. 

An hour and a half passed by too quickly and Kakashi found himself sitting in the middle of the stage with his guitar. Kakashi clears his throat, bringing his lips closer to the microphone. 

“Hi everyone, how are you all holding up?" Kakashi grins as he feels the camera going closer to his sweaty face.

"First of all, I wanted to say thank you for being here with me tonight. This means a lot to me especially since this is my first solo concert ever in the big dome!" 

A round of applause resounds through the concert grounds and Kakashi laughs, his hands busy tuning his old guitar.

“Funny story about this guitar,” He starts as he sweeps his thumb over the strings gently, "I got this when I was in high school, and she kept me company from my first gig in a small restaurant, up until now."

He then remembers _his_ smile that also kept him company. 

“And like you guys, thank you for being with me from the start until now.” A series of awes and claps follow, drowning Kakashi's light chuckle. 

“This song I’m going to play next actually took me a month to write…” Kakashi says, looking down at his guitar. “I can usually write three songs in a month, but this- this song took a toll on me. It's special and the process was hard and painful, but if I hadn’t written this, I wouldn't be here right now.” Kakashi then looks over the audience- hoping to see a familiar face.

“It’s titled _Yours_." The crowd makes a curious sound, but Kakashi is still searching for someone amongst the sea of unfamiliar faces. 

"And it's…" Kakashi pauses, his mind going elsewhere as he begins strumming his guitar softly, the lights slowly dimming. 

Kakashi clears his throat, blinking away the tears threatening to fall. 

It's still painful. Of course, it'll be. Kakashi has no idea if the pain will ever subside, all he knows is that he will always carry this hurt for Iruka because Kakashi failed his friend. 

Kakashi was late. 

Once he's done tuning his guitar, he leans toward his microphone, hoping that the smile he just gave won’t show how much his heart is aching, how much his fingers keep trembling as he slowly plays the starting tune of the song. 

“It’s the last song I’ll play for tonight.” 

The crowd expresses their sadness, but Kakashi assures them it won’t be the last. That there will be a next time.   
  


_That they’ll meet again.  
  
_

“Don’t worry,” Kakashi whispers, his voice echoing around the big stadium, “I’ll play you all a nice song.” 

  
  


_Your hair is like the fading night_

_In the break of the dawn_

_That colors the clouds_

  
  


The day Kakashi held his first contract signing, Iruka was there- standing by the audience, adorning a beautiful smile. Amidst the wide crowd watching and cheering for him, just with Iruka standing in the middle, looking all serene and so proud of him, was enough for Kakashi to feel so accomplished.

After the mini-event, they quickly met up backstage, Kakashi wearing a goofy smile as Iruka hugged him tightly. 

“I’m so happy for you, Kakashi!”

“You made it, I thought you were busy with your studies?” Kakashi asked and led Iruka to his changing room. They were almost shouting at one another- the cheering of the crowd was too loud and Kakashi’s ears were still ringing with adrenaline. 

Iruka stopped on his tracks and grabbed Kakashi by the hand. 

“I am, but I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” Iruka smiled, and Kakashi's breath hitched as how ethereal Iruka looked. 

“I can’t stay to talk more, but please know I’m so proud of my best friend!” 

Admittedly, the best friend part hurt Kakashi, but he kept up his happy facade once Iruka dove in for another hug. He just resorted to hugging the brunet tighter, wrapping his arms around his waist- pulling Iruka closer to him.

“Good luck and do your best, Kakashi…” And then Iruka landed his lips on his cheeks, turned around, and left. 

Kakashi stood still for seconds, watching the fading back that he wished he hadn’t let go. 

  
  
  


_Your smile is like a star_

_That has been shining for a long time, but is recently perceived_

_When it’s all too late_

  
  
  


“We’re this close to releasing my second album,” Kakashi grinned, holding up his phone as he stared lovingly at the person on his screen. Iruka smiled, but Kakashi could clearly feel something was wrong with him. 

He took a seat on his bed, tilting his head as he listened to Iruka congratulating him. 

“Thank you, Iruka.” Kakashi answered, “But are you okay?” 

“Ah yeah, yeah.” Iruka responded and grinned so wide that it worried Kakashi. Did Iruka have another fight with his lover? They always fight about the smallest things, and Kakashi desperately wanted to tell Iruka that he could do better than that bastard. 

Sighing, Kakashi was about to ask further when Iruka interrupted him. 

“Kakashi, congratulations to you but I have to go! There’s uhm, some errands I needed to do. Hang out with you soon, Mr. Rising Star?” 

Kakashi rolled his eyes at the stupid nickname, but sent Iruka his regards and promise to hang out next time. 

And the next time they saw each other, Iruka cried in his arms. He told him how much it hurts as his lover for over seven years broke up with him. 

Kakashi wanted to shout. Wanted to pull Iruka closer to him. But all he could do at the moment was to be there with his hand over Iruka’s back.

The next few weeks, Iruka and Kakashi lost touch. 

  
  
  


_Your life is like a candle_

_That shines in the darkness of the night_

_That is full of hardship and mystery_

  
  
  


The silver-haired artist received the news of Iruka losing his scholarship when he’s at his album signing. Kakashi wanted to call Iruka and asked him about it. However, the management wouldn’t let him go until he’s finished. 

“I’m sorry, Kakashi.” Asuma whispered right next to him, “I tried but management wanted you to stay here.” 

Kakashi released a sigh but smiled right away as a fan approached his table with his album in their hand. 

The time was one in the morning and Kakashi had just gotten his phone. The album signing went great but a little behind schedule, so Kakashi was forced to travel from one place to another without a break- except for the occasional small munch behind the stage or in the car. 

It was fun, but tiring. 

Releasing a sigh, Kakashi took a seat on his couch as he watched two of his assistants, along with his manager, gather some clothes from his closet. In about half an hour, Kakashi was yet again needed to travel to another city. He missed his bed and eating on a proper chair and table, but Asuma always reminded him that this would be one of the perks he’d experience with becoming an artist. 

Going through his contact list, he dialed Iruka’s number and waited, but after a few rings, Kakashi was sent straight to voicemail. 

_Odd,_ Kakashi thought and left Iruka a message instead. He was sure Iruka would be awake at this time. The brunet never went to bed earlier than two a.m, but Kakashi just guessed that this was one of those rare days where Iruka got to have a long night. 

Throwing his phone on the couch, Kakashi went to the kitchen in hopes to find something to drink.   
  


And as Kakashi slumbered deeply in the moving van, _he failed_ to notice the blinking of his phone with Iruka’s name on it. 

  
  
  


_Every second it melts_

_Dripping like tears_

  
  
  


The next day, Kakashi felt his phone vibrating. When he looked at Iruka’s name, he bit his lips. 

_Timing._ Kakashi hated how the timing was always wrong. 

Asuma then reached his hand out, signaling Kakashi to give him his phone, which the silver-haired singer did with a small pout on his face.

“You’ll get this back after the show.” 

And as the show ended by seven in the evening, Kakashi saw only one miss call and no text messages. And since his body ached all over due to fatigue, Kakashi decided to call Iruka tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and Kakashi felt his whole body break into a sweat. _Iruka’s parents died in a car crash._

  
  
  


_Not even once did I ate a butterfly_

_But why does it feel like my stomach is so full of it?_

  
  
  


Kakashi pulled Iruka closer to him, his hand rubbing soothing circles on his back as he allowed the brunet’s tears to dampen his shirt. The burial had ended minutes ago, but Iruka hadn't stopped crying since. Kakashi was worried and it pained him to know that all he could do was to offer his arms. 

Kakashi wanted to take Iruka's pain away. From the breakup, the revoking of his scholarship, and now this? Kakashi, for the first time ever, dropped a kiss on top of Iruka's head as he softly ushered his friend to walk.

Once they reached home, Kakashi helped Iruka clean himself up. Cooked him something to eat, changed his sheets, and even called a delivery for some fresh groceries. After that, as they settled themselves on the couch with a movie playing on the TV, Iruka began crying again. And so, Kakashi hugged him. Kept Iruka in his arms until the brunet looked up at him. 

Kakashi's heart broke as he saw Iruka's tear-stained cheeks and red nose. However, to his surprise, Iruka leaned forward and pressed his lips against his. Kakashi kissed him back. And before things could go further with Iruka underneath him, the brunet cried and pleaded for Kakashi to leave. 

And Kakashi left. _But now he wished he hadn't._

  
  


_Just then I remember_

_The first time I said your name_

_I swallowed one, maybe that’s why_

  
  


It's been a week since that incident and Kakashi's schedule got busier and busier. The latest news he'd receive of Iruka was from his friend Izumo, who told him that Iruka wasn’t still attending classes yet.

It's understandable. His parents just died and they couldn't expect Iruka to be up and out already, but as much as Kakashi wanted to leave Iruka alone for a moment. Their kiss still lingered in his mind over and over again. During his interviews, his recordings, and now, as he tried to write a song, all he could think of was Iruka's name. 

Releasing a tired sigh, Kakashi glanced at the clock next to his desk and saw it was already nine in the evening. Kakashi's stomach growled on cue, and a small chuckle escaped his lips. Kakashi was about to stand and call it quits with his songwriting when suddenly, his phone rang. 

_Iruka._

Kakashi didn't hesitate to answer. 

"I'm sorry, Kakashi," Iruka spoke through the other line, his voice was hoarse. Kakashi's heart drummed violently against his chest as the brunet continued, "I wasn't thinking straight that day, so I'm so so sorry." 

He heard soft sobs from the other line.

"Kakashi, please-" 

"I will always forgive you," Kakashi interrupted. "You don't need to apologize, Iruka. I understand you." 

"Kakashi…" Iruka sniffed, breaking into another cry. "I--I'm really sorry… " 

"Silly, I said I forgive you. Always." 

"Thank you." 

And as silence covered the two of them, Kakashi then decided to put his phone on speaker, laid it down on the table in front of him, and then grabbed for his guitar. 

Kakashi started playing a random tune, smiling weakly as Iruka hadn't hung up yet. 

"I'll play you a nice song, Iruka…" 

Two weeks had passed, he and Iruka kept in touch, but since Kakashi's schedule had been crazy due to his upcoming concert in the few months, Kakashi could only reply whenever he could. By the time he was finally given two days off, Kakashi immediately thanked Asuma for letting him go for a while. 

"Where are you headed?" 

"To Iruka." 

Asuma smirked, "You should ask him out soon, kid. You've been lovestruck to that Iruka since you've debuted."

"I've been lovestruck since high school," Kakashi said with a small smile, his backpack already in hand, "I've been waiting for so long, and I don't mind giving Iruka more time to move on. He needs it more than me." 

Asuma smiled and patted Kakashi's shoulder in return. 

When Kakashi arrived at Iruka's apartment, he was surprised to see the front door unlocked. Quickly running inside, Kakashi tried to swallow any bad thoughts coming into his mind as he saw Iruka's apartment clean. Too clean for Kakashi's liking. 

He entered Iruka's room. He walked towards the bathroom.   
  


_Kakashi's timing was too late._

  
  
  


_When will it be noticed_

_The pain hidden in your laughter_

  
  


Timing was a funny thing. One moment he was saying he's going to give Iruka more time, but right now, as he ran along the hallway with the paramedics, his clothes and hands covered in red- Kakashi was willing to give Iruka more time, but it seemed like he was too late.

His whole world crashed right before his eyes. Kakashi couldn't breathe, couldn't say anything. He could only sob as Iruka's body disappeared in between those double doors. 

_Please._ Kakashi never prayed. Didn't believe at whoever was above, but today, he begged whoever was listening-

Give them more time.   
  
.  
  
Kakashi closes his eyes, his tears mixing with the sweat running down the side of his face as he continues to play his guitar. 

It hurts. 

He can still remember vividly the color of Iruka's pale face, the tiled bathroom floor, their clothes, and the razor next to Iruka's hand. 

He was late. His timing was late and he failed-  
  
 _  
"We aren't able to save him on time…"_

  
Kakashi lets out a gasp, his voice cracking as the song gets interrupted. Nevertheless, the band playing behind keeps playing the tune even though the main guitar has stopped. 

He loves Iruka. So much so that he'll give anything to see his smile again. But the moment the doctor went out of the emergency room with a somber expression, Kakashi knew he was late. 

_  
Iruka, I'm late, I'm sorry… _

"Even when you’re gone…" Kakashi's lips are trembling as he sings slowly, his voice breaking but at this point, he doesn't care. After Iruka died, a part of Kakashi’s soul went with him. He closed everyone around him. It was painful, too painful- especially since he hadn’t said his true feelings to Iruka. 

Kakashi wanted to tell him that he loves him.

"It will never ever disappear," Kakashi opens his eyes once more and looks at the endless sea of people that adores him. 

But he only wants one person to look at him. 

"My feelings that are just for you… Just for you…. Only for you…”

-  
  
  


_“I’m Iruka, nice to meet you!”_

_“Iruka, please give me my notebook back,”_ _Kakashi said, his face red as his stomach churns at the way Iruka kept smiling at him._

_“This is yours? Sorry! I thought someone just left it here,” Iruka handed him the notebook with a sheepish smile, and Kakashi tried his best to keep calm as their fingers brushed slightly._

_When Kakashi kept his little notebook safe in his bag, Iruka was still standing there, smiling with his hands behind his back._

_"What?” Kakashi asked, a little too rude but at this point, Kakashi’s anger was more prominent than the heat on his cheeks._

_Iruka chuckled and brought his hand out. Kakashi looked down with a small frown before taking his hand._

_“Your name?”_

_“Kakashi-”_

_Just then, the bell rang and the two boys still hadn’t let go of each other’s hand. Iruka laughed again, shaking Kakashi’s hand._

_“Our timing sucks, but hey! See you around, Kakashi-san?”_

_Kakashi nodded, already missing the brunet’s warmth._

_“Yeah, see you.”_

**Author's Note:**

> please remember that there's always someone who will listen to you! 
> 
> take care! :)


End file.
